


Hypoallergenic

by octopus_fool



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Allergies, Animals, Challenge: 13 Days for 13 Dwarves, Community: hobbit_kink, Crack, Gen, Humor, Innuendo, Pets, Snot, naked mole-rat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-19
Updated: 2014-11-19
Packaged: 2018-02-26 06:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2641118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopus_fool/pseuds/octopus_fool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kíli smuggled his pet naked mole-rat onto the quest. Not everybody is happy about that....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hypoallergenic

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this prompt](http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/10731.html?thread=22488043#t22488043) on the hobbit kinkmeme.
> 
> Here's a [pic](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naked_mole-rat#mediaviewer/File:Nacktmull.jpg) of what Kíli's pet looks like (not very pretty, just a little warning).

“Rufus, calm down!” Kíli whispered desperately. “I’m just as excited and worried about this as you are, but… Damn it, stay in your pocket!”

Thorin had forbidden Kíli to take Rufus along on the journey, but Rufus never caused any trouble and Kíli hadn’t wanted to be parted from him. As he had expected, Rufus never caused any difficulties during the entire journey. It was only now that they were standing on the doorstep of the Hidden Door that Rufus had become restless.

“What’s wrong, Kíli?” Thorin asked, having noticed his twitching.

“Nothing! Everything is perfectly fine. Really, it is... damn it, stay put!” Kíli had to grab Rufus as he tried to make a run for it. He managed to stop him from escaping just in time.

He was about to breathe a sigh of relief when he looked up and noticed the company standing around him, staring down at where he was clutching Rufus. Fíli could barely refrain from laughing, but Thorin was livid. Bilbo’s face was an interesting shade of red, for some reason. Dori had his hands over Ori’s eyes and was glaring at Kíli.

“Have you no shame at all?!” Dori demanded. 

“What are you talking about?” Kíli asked.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about! Don’t you even have the decency to wait until nightfall and hide behind a bush to satisfy your urges like the rest of us do?!”

Nori choked. “ _You_ have urges?”

“That is beside the point!” Dori bellowed. “He has his... his... well, you know, out in public!”

Kíli finally caught on and quickly raised the hand holding Rufus higher than crotch-level. “You... you think I.... this is just my naked-mole rat!”

Dori looked away as soon as Kíli began moving his hand. “We really don’t need to see any more! I don’t care what you call it; it does not belong in public!”

At the same time, Ori began struggling against Dori. “A naked mole-rat?! I read about those and always wanted to see one! Let me go!”

He managed to twist away from Dori’s hand and rushed over to Kíli and Rufus. “That’s fascinating!” Would you mind if I sketch it sometime?”

“Of course not, go ahead. And he doesn’t look anything like... well, like a... you know...” Kíli said, glaring at Dori.

“It kind of does,” Ori said and all the others nodded, “except that it has teeth.”

There was a moment of contemplative silence.

“That's a horrible thought,” Bofur said, “just imagine...”

“Nobody is going to imagine anything!” Thorin snapped at Bofur before rounding on Kíli. “I expressedly forbade you to bring that hideous, beardless thing with its ridiculous Elvish name along! You know it makes me sneeze!”

“ ‘Rufus’ isn’t an Elvish name, I made it up. And he can’t make you sneeze, I’ve told you before! He’s hypoallergenic and doesn’t even have fur!”

“Well it does make me sneeze!”

“You haven’t sneezed once on this entire journey,” Kíli protested.

“Well, my nose is already tickling,” Thorin said. “And your pet is entirely useless on this quest and doesn’t belong here!”

“You didn’t want to take Bilbo along either and now you’re glad you did!” Kíli said.

“I resent being compared to a rat that looks like a penis!” Bilbo protested, bristling.

The others flinched and stared at him.

Bilbo stared back and then groaned when realisation hit him. “Oh, come on. You’re not going to make such a fuss because I actually said the word, are you? You were all thinking it so loudly I could practically hear it. There’s no use in not saying ‘penis’ when it looks like a penis and everybody is thinking ‘penis’.”

The dwarves flinched every time and Ori covered his own ears.

Bilbo huffed. “This is absurd. I’m going in there. I’d rather deal with that dragon than this level of prudish ridiculousness! Goodbye!”

They stared after him.

“Should we just let him go like that?” Kíli asked. “I mean it’s nice that he has finally decided to go in, but I feel bad that he’s going in there when he’s angry. What if he decides to yell at the dragon?”

“Bilbo wouldn’t yell at a dragon,” Balin said. “We’ll wait a few minutes to see what happens and then follow him in if need be.”

The dwarves stood around uncomfortably for a few moments.

“Did you really have Rufus around all this time?” Ori asked finally. “Where did you get him?”

“I did,” Kíli replied. “He’s usually quiet. I don’t know what got into him just then. I got Rufus and a few others from a Broadbeam merchant a few years ago. Naked mole-rats live surprisingly long lives.”

Kíli and Ori quickly became engrossed in conversation about naked mole-rats.

After a while Thorin interrupted them. “Bilbo has been in there for too long. We are going in.” He turned to Kíli. “The beardless rat is staying out here. You saw how panicked it was. It is cruel to take it in with you to face a dragon.”

“But...”

“No. If all goes well, you can try to find it again. I am not taking an animal in there.”

Kíli nodded sadly. He walked a few steps away where there was ground Rufus would be able to burrow into. He took Rufus out of his pocket.

“You will have to wait for me here, Rufus, alright? I don’t want you to be roasted by a dragon, but I will be back.”

He set Rufus on the ground. Rufus blinked up at him with his myopic eyes and then sniffed around. Kíli’s eyes stung. 

“I’ll be back, I promise. Just don’t wander off too far.”

Rufus sniffed some more and then took off towards the Hidden Door.

“No, not that way!” Kíli quickly grabbed Rufus. “There’s a dragon down there. You don’t want to go there. There are probably lots of lovely tubers in the ground out here, you’ll love those.”

He set Rufus on the ground again, but Rufus clambered up his sleeve and back into one of Kíli’s pockets. Kíli tried again, but Rufus only climbed back into the pocket again.

Kíli looked up. Thorin’s back was turned to him and nobody else was looking either. Kíli got up.

“You stay put in there,” he whispered towards his pocket, frantically hoping Rufus wouldn’t panic again. Kíli walked back to the others.

“Did you set him free?” Thorin asked and Kíli nodded.

“Good.” Thorin squeezed Kíli’s arm. “I know you are fond of your little pet, but a dragon’s lair is no place for an animal. You understand that, right?”

Kíli swallowed and nodded, his pocket heavy.

“Alright, let’s go,” Thorin said.

 

The tunnel that sloped down into the mountain was dark and the air stifling and warm. To Kíli’s relief, they couldn’t hear anything that suggested the dragon was awake.

That relief turned out to be short-lived, however. Dwalin, who led the line of dwarves, peered around the corner into the great hall of Erebor, only to pull his head back immediately.

He signalled for them to stop, then cautiously took another look. 

/He has the hobbit cornered,/ he signed in Iglishmêk. /Bilbo is alive, but I don’t know for how much longer./

Thorin risked a look as well.

/We split up./ Thorin quickly divided the group with gestures. /Dwalin leads one group to the left to cause a diversion. The other group comes with me to the right. We will stay hidden behind the pillars until the dragon turns around to face the diversion. Then we will get Bilbo out of there and try to get back to this tunnel or another escape route. Everything clear?/

The dwarves nodded and Dwalin’s group hurried out of the tunnel. Kíli hurried after Thorin. 

He nearly froze in his spot when he saw the dragon’s vast form. Smaug was beyond everything Kíli had every seen. He had seen _hills_ smaller than this monstrous reptile, and large parts of the dragon were hidden by pillars and obscured in shadows. 

Bifur grabbed Kíli’s arm and dragged him along, making Kíli snap out of his shock. They quickly ducked behind into one of the staircases, waiting to see what would happen.

The dwarves had barely reached the staircase when they heard the dragon draw a deep breath. Kíli could feel the hair on his head move in the breeze the inhalation caused. The sound was repeated and Kíli realised what the dragon was doing. He was sniffing.

“Dwarves, just as I thought,” the voice was so deep Kíli felt the words more than he heard them. “But what is that?”

Kíli realised there was a small crack in the staircase and peeked through. The dragon had turned away from Bilbo and was staring at the staircase with one huge, golden eye.

“There is something else there, something...”

There was an enormous crash on the other side of the hall. The eye disappeared in a sudden motion, accompanied by the tinkling of thousands of golden coins. 

Kíli let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. And then he realised something was missing. His pocket felt much too light and he knew before he touched it that the familiar lump wouldn’t be there. Rufus was gone. 

Kíli looked around frantically. He saw something pink disappear around the corner where the stairs led downwards. Another quick look through the crack assured him the dragon wasn’t looking directly at him. In a crouched run, Kíli dashed towards the stairs. Sure enough, at the bottom, sniffing at the beginning of an enormous pile of gold, was Rufus. 

Kíli glanced around. Smaug was nowhere to be seen, but if Rufus caused the gold to clatter, he would surely hear and come back.

Ducking low, Kíli dashed down the stairs and grabbed Rufus.

“You did not think I would be fooled that easily, did you?” The dragon’s voice rumbled from right above. Kíli looked up to see Smaug clinging to the pillars with his front legs. “And now show me what you’ve got there.”

Kíli instinctively hid Rufus behind his back, trying to keep a grip on the fiercely struggling animal. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you, you great stinking worm!”

“I said SHOW IT TO ME!”

Without wanting to, Kíli held out the hand grasping Rufus. In a detached way, he realised he must have looked a bit like one of the kings of old Harad making an offering to an ancient, dark god.

Unable to look away from the dragon, Kíli watched as it came closer, sniffing again. Smaug opened his mouth, revealing teeth several times Kíli’s size. Kíli gazed into the heat-cracked gorge, unable to move. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Smaug drew a deep breath and Kíli closed his eyes, awaiting a death of flames. 

There was the sound of an explosion and Kíli was knocked backwards. It took him a moment to realise he was not on fire but had been knocked backwards by what felt like a really warm gust of strong rain. Slightly slimy rain, he thought, before he was being tugged up the stairs backwards by two strong pairs of hands.

There was another explosion just as he had been dragged around the corner of the staircase.

“What were you even thinking?!” Thorin hissed at him. “Leaving cover! Being rude to a dragon! Looking into a dragon’s eyes! Do you have a death wish or do you just have no sense at all?!”

“He sneezed on me!” Kíli realised as Bifur wiped his hands against the wall.

“And you are damn lucky he did, or else you would be nothing but a sad pile of ashes now!” Thorin retorted.

“I’m covered in dragon snot!”

“Do you want my handkerchief?” Bilbo asked, appearing out of thin air next to them. “I kind of know what that’s like, since our encounter with the trolls.”

“No time for that,” Thorin said as another explosion rang out. “We need to get out of here while Smaug is still sneezing.”

Kíli peeked around the corner. Tears were starting to stream down Smaug’s face and his eyes looked swollen.

“Alright,” Kíli agreed. “Let’s leave before he can get any more slime on me.”

They hurried back up the stairs to get to the level on which the tunnel to the Hidden Door was. Staying behind pillars as much as possible, they sprinted towards the tunnel. They did not get far.

“I can still hear you,” Smaug growled, sounding distinctly congested. “I’m not letting you go just like that.”

He stepped into their way, leaning over them. Kíli realised he hadn’t put Rufus back in his pocket when the naked mole-rat began struggling again. 

Smaug stared at Kíli again. “What is that _thing_?” He asked warily.

Kíli had learnt his lesson and did not look Smaug in the eye this time. “You mean little Rufus here?”  
He held his pet aloft, following a sudden intuition.

Smaug stopped his advance and scratched at his neck as though to get rid of a horrible itch.

Kíli stepped towards him. Rufus was leaning _towards_ the dragon. His pet was enjoying this, Kíli realised, and his confidence grew.

“Kíli, what are you doing?” Thorin asked in a horrified whisper.

Kíli took another step forwards. “You don’t particularly like him, do you?”

“Stay away from me!” Smaug roared, the effect slightly ruined when he sniffled at the end of the sentence.

“Or what?” Kíli asked. 

Smaug took a deep breath and his neck began glowing in a fiery red. For a moment, Kíli feared he had misjudged the situation. Then Smaug choked and began coughing a horrible hacking cough, clouds of smoke billowing around his head.

“Get that awful Rufus-thing away from me!” Smaug wheezed and backed away.

“I don’t think I will,” Kíli replied, advancing on him. 

Smaug nearly doubled over from coughing. “I can’t breathe,” he wheezed.

For a moment, Smaug stared at Kíli, panic in his swollen eyes. Then, the dragon launched itself in the air, the skin on the wings now showing an angry red rash.

“Don’t think you have won!” Smaug said, nearly veering into a pillar when he sneezed again. And then he was gone, the beats of his wings fading into the distance.

“What just happened?” Thorin asked, leaning against a pillar for support.

“That looked like a reaction to me if ever I’ve seen one,” Bilbo said. “I’m just glad I don’t get it that bad when I’m around ponies. I probably would have run as well.”

Rufus snuffled in Kíli’s hand and Kíli would have sworn his wrinkled face looked rather smug.

“That was quite something, wasn’t it?” He asked the naked mole-rat, gently petting his head. “I suppose you want a bit of a reward for that, don’t you?” 

Kíli pulled a bit of dried turnip out of one of his pockets and gave it to Rufus. Rufus began gnawing at it happily.

“I promise I’ll give you all the best tubers once we get some more supplies,” Kíli said fondly.

The other dwarves had stepped out from behind the pillar they had watched things from and gathered around Kíli and Rufus.

“Well, that certainly explains why no Broadbeam kingdom has ever fallen to a dragon,” Bofur said. “After all, naked mole-rats are quite popular pets amongst our people.”

“We should probably make sure Rufus spends time in as much of Erebor as possible,” Ori said. “Just in case Smaug does come back. The entire mountain should smell of Rufus to him, so that he doesn’t dare enter again.”

The others nodded in agreement.

“There’s just one thing I don’t understand,” Kíli said. “Naked mole-rats are hypoallergenic. I’ve never heard of anybody who has a reaction to them.”

“Perhaps dragons are different,” Fíli said. “Maybe only they have a reaction.”

Thorin sneezed.


End file.
